you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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