i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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