DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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