On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
