They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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