One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize