just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You made out with two different species that night
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
