So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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