It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
