just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
