You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
