i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love you.
Bad choice
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
