Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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