The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
