after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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