I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
