im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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