This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
