so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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