he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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