Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
