Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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