If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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