I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
