My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
