Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
