i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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