I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
