my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
