I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
