so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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