I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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