i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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