Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
