I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
