Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
