she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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