Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
