and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
