We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
