i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
