they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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