So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
