Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
