it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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