I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
