Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
