It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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