when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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