he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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