i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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