I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
